Tag: facing fear

Transforming Meditation: Part 6

Transforming Meditation: Part 6

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Lydia survived the operation and I visited her in the hospital several days later.  Of course, she was still weak and recovering, but her mind seemed fully intact and she was grateful and seemingly at peace.  I asked her how she was doing, how she felt?  She said that she was in “God’s hands.”  

I tell this story as an extreme example of turning within to face those fears and obstacles to fully loving ourselves and others, and the power of God’s love to heal and transform.  It seems that all of us, to a greater or lesser extent, fear this encounter with the “true self” because it is a step into the unknown.  

In one sense, Lydia had become comfortable in her self-loathing and, possibly, only the greater fear of the operation on her brain and the loss of dependence on her daughter finally opened her “true self” to receiving God’s grace.  This grace, once present and available within Lydia immediately spread to begin healing the relationship with her daughter.

What can we take from Lydia’s experience?  In her spiritually depleted and emotionally weakened state, Lydia lived her life as a victim.  The daughter, Cynthia, had become the mother figure in a juxtaposition of roles and resented the role that she was forced to play.  

Lydia’s negative life experience left her emotionally bankrupt, living in darkness, an absence of love in her life except for her pet which was also taken away. The brain tumor only confirmed for her the end of a wasted life – she was left without hope. 

I felt almost as hopeless as I confronted her situation and talked to her psychiatrist, until, in meditation, I sensed the emergence of the Holy Spirit that urged me to develop the plan for her healing.  From that moment, I had no fear or uncertainty about the course of contemplative action that we were taking, it was in God’s hands. 

Lydia had much to deal with, her physical weakness unable to lift her head, her emotional darkness from years of abuse, forgiveness, her relationship with her daughter, fear of the operation, lack of spiritual growth, and a variety of other diagnoses over the years.  

It would be questionable whether Lydia became meditative, but she became reflective, prayerful, and obviously started looking within to find life’s answers under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Transforming Meditation: Part 4

Transforming Meditation: Part 4

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On Thursday, the second day of Lydia’s spiritual care plan, the point was made and accepted, at least intellectually, that Lydia’s mother, husband, and neighbors no longer had power over her.  When fear arose within her, she was to repeat the name of Jesus over and over.

On Friday, the focus was for Lydia to forgive unconditionally.  She must not ask anything of those she is forgiving and she was not to judge them. This is an act of love to forgive another, just as Jesus forgives us unconditionally and he died that we may be forgiven.  

We went through forgiveness for each of the people in her life to get rid of anger and fear.  Whenever anger rose within her, she was to repeat, 

“Father, forgive them, they do not (or did not) know what they do.”  For herself, she was to repeat, “Father, forgive me for I did not know what I was doing.”

The plan was to use Saturday as a follow-up day to observe if Lydia could reduce her fear, then the God within, Who is Love, could work in her.  It was hoped that she could trust and turn herself and her operation over to God’s will and purpose for her.  

The exchanges on Saturday, the fourth day, are the most revealing of the work of the Holy Spirit and follow as noted at the time.  The mother, daughter, and I met in the otherwise empty chapel for purposes of privacy and the spiritual atmosphere.

“Lydia, before we start, I want to mention a couple of things.  Your daughter is sitting with us, but if we get into some uncomfortable areas, she may want to leave or I may ask her to leave briefly, and then come back.  Secondly, I noticed several times when we have met, you start moving your wheelchair backward and disconnect with me.  It is like you are hanging up the phone.  What is that about?”

Lydia responded weakly with her head down, “Sometimes I get tired and just want to go lay down.” 

“Lydia, I know that this work is difficult.  We are on a spiritual journey but we also have to deal with the past – the anger and fear that has built up over the years.   When you start to disconnect from me, I will draw your attention to it?”  

She responded, “OK.”

“Tell me, how you are feeling, Lydia?”  

“Not well, I just want this tumor to go away, to be done with.  I need a miracle.  I don’t know what I will be like after the surgery.”  

I responded, “If God gave you a miracle today and took away the tumor, do you think the anger and fear would go away?”  

Taking responsibility for her anger for the first time in our meetings, Lydia said, “The anger is deep down inside, I need to deal with it.”

I then led the discussion, “Yes, and we talked about forgiveness and to get rid of some of the anger toward your mother, your husband, the neighbor who poisoned your dog, and yourself.  Do you remember your words of forgiveness, let’s say toward your mother?”  

Lydia took a long pause with her head down, then said, “Father, forgive her for she knew not what she was doing.”  A similar phrase was repeated to each of the others and herself.  

I said. “Yes, you did not know what you were doing when you swallowed the lies.  You are a child of God, a beautiful child of God made in his image.  You did not know what you were doing when you put yourself down, you gave up your power.”  Lydia, taking more responsibility, said, “I made some bad decisions.”  

I asked, “Tell me about those decisions.”

“When I decided to get my degrees, I never had any breakthroughs in my scientific work.”  

I asked, “What kind of breakthroughs, give me an example.”  

“DNA, I never discovered DNA.”  

Somewhat curious, I asked, “Did you expect to discover DNA?”  

“No, I was just a lab technician.”  

I then asked who did discover DNA and remarkably she told me the full names of the two men that discovered DNA.  

Back to the subject, I said, “Why was the fact that you didn’t discover DNA a failure?”  She responded, “Because I was living according to the world’s desires, the world’s standards.”  

A short discussion ensued about living to the world’s standards and God’s standards being different. 

Click these links to read Transforming Meditation: Part 1, Transforming Meditation: Part 2 and Transforming Meditation: Part 3

Transforming Meditation: Part 3

Transforming Meditation: Part 3

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On Wednesday, the first day of Lydia’s spiritual care plan, the effort was to separate the offender from the offense.  This is meant to forgive the offender, not the offense since only God can forgive the offense.  In other words, we can forgive the sinner but not the sin. It seemed important to point out that this approach did not mean we were condoning the offense if we forgive the offender.  

We can forgive one another – our brothers and sisters, our neighbors.  

This would be the first step for Lydia in taking back her power that she had given to those who she perceived to have abused her – her own mother, her husband, neighbors, and self.  There was a little perceived success that day except for the initial verbal commitment of Lydia to take the spiritual journey.  

However, in a brief separate meeting with Lydia the next day, I was able to ascertain that she had total recall of everything that was said on Wednesday.  Also, we did identify that the grandmother had physically abused Lydia’s mother.

The second day, Thursday, the focus was on conquering the fear of repeated transgressions.  Lydia had to come to the conclusion that the abusers no longer had power over her.  Otherwise, this fear would drive out any possibility of love entering or her loving those around her.  

On the other hand, what did she gain by not ridding herself of this fear?  It should also be noted that we did not focus on the fear of her brain tumor and the impending operation at this point.  We focused only on the abusers.

Lydia’s mother – Lydia’s fear and low self-esteem arising from her mother’s treatment that was always critical and abusive, and Lydia’s resultant fear that she was never good enough.

Lydia’s husband, who she had finally divorced some years earlier had been frequently violent and verbally abusive.  Fear that she would upset him gave him power over her.  But it was important to point out to her that she had given power over to him and she was still suffering, he wasn’t.

Lydia’s neighbors had sent threatening letters and had poisoned her dog.  The dog was extremely important because it seemed in Lydia’s mind that the dog was the only one who gave her unconditional love.

Other fears that Lydia expressed was the fear of being left alone and that she would wake up and find no one to care for her, a fear of insanity and a feeling of helplessness, too weak to cope and a fear that God had turned His face.

Click these links to read Transforming Meditation: Part 1, Transforming Meditation: Part 2 and Transforming Meditation: Part 4