In meditation, the struggle is often a sign that we are beginning to deal with our shortcomings, to grow in the Lord.  In my own life, I meditated for many years.  I began meditating when I was 23 years old, shortly after I converted to Catholicism and Christianity and gradually developed a deep sense of quietude and peace. 

I was always able to retreat to a place of silence and solitude and find a balance that would see me through any difficulty. Some people would be able to sense this peace within me and look to me as a stabilizing force in thorny situations or sometimes seek my counsel in their personal lives.  

Yet, when I was on retreat on one occasion a very gifted retreat master told me that there was a piece of my heart that I had not given up.  I somewhat accepted his words as a sort of prophecy for me but had no real idea of what the piece of my heart was.  

Over the years, his prophecy came back to me and I would search my interior self during meditation for that piece of my heart; still, it eluded me.  It was only many years later when I lost my business and incurred enormous debt from a business that had been successful for many years, that I became fully aware of what that piece of my heart was—I could not accept failure; I had to be successful and this want and desire kept me from fully giving myself over. 

But once I had actually failed and was able to deal with that reality in my prayer life, I was able to move through the failure to a place of God’s will for me. I went through anger, depression, resentment, and many other emotions as, in addition to the failure; some people professing to help me that they had treated me with great injustice and deceit. 

Two of my children working in the business were let go as well as several other loyal employees, alliances, and customers were mistreated, and after a transition period, my employment contract was prematurely terminated.  

Over a period of a few months, I not only meditated, but also took acupuncture, saw a psychotherapist for the first time in my life, and went on an open-ended retreat. All of these efforts allowed me to work through the many problems in a balanced way while continuing to pray for guidance and deliverance. 

I struggled to the point of tears often and there were times that I couldn’t feel or sense God’s presence as I had become accustomed.  I had read about the “dark night of the soul” (read more about this in the next post) and that God may even lead us into seeming abandonment in order to purge our selfishness and engage the light.  

However, I never felt total abandonment because I believed and trusted that God was there even when I couldn’t feel His presence. Nevertheless, it was similar to some of the experiences that I had read about.

Click to check out Solitude and Silence in Meditation: Part 1 and Solitude and Silence in Meditation: Part 2