Category: Spirituality

Transforming Meditation: Part 6

Transforming Meditation: Part 6

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Lydia survived the operation and I visited her in the hospital several days later.  Of course, she was still weak and recovering, but her mind seemed fully intact and she was grateful and seemingly at peace.  I asked her how she was doing, how she felt?  She said that she was in “God’s hands.”  

I tell this story as an extreme example of turning within to face those fears and obstacles to fully loving ourselves and others, and the power of God’s love to heal and transform.  It seems that all of us, to a greater or lesser extent, fear this encounter with the “true self” because it is a step into the unknown.  

In one sense, Lydia had become comfortable in her self-loathing and, possibly, only the greater fear of the operation on her brain and the loss of dependence on her daughter finally opened her “true self” to receiving God’s grace.  This grace, once present and available within Lydia immediately spread to begin healing the relationship with her daughter.

What can we take from Lydia’s experience?  In her spiritually depleted and emotionally weakened state, Lydia lived her life as a victim.  The daughter, Cynthia, had become the mother figure in a juxtaposition of roles and resented the role that she was forced to play.  

Lydia’s negative life experience left her emotionally bankrupt, living in darkness, an absence of love in her life except for her pet which was also taken away. The brain tumor only confirmed for her the end of a wasted life – she was left without hope. 

I felt almost as hopeless as I confronted her situation and talked to her psychiatrist, until, in meditation, I sensed the emergence of the Holy Spirit that urged me to develop the plan for her healing.  From that moment, I had no fear or uncertainty about the course of contemplative action that we were taking, it was in God’s hands. 

Lydia had much to deal with, her physical weakness unable to lift her head, her emotional darkness from years of abuse, forgiveness, her relationship with her daughter, fear of the operation, lack of spiritual growth, and a variety of other diagnoses over the years.  

It would be questionable whether Lydia became meditative, but she became reflective, prayerful, and obviously started looking within to find life’s answers under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Transforming Meditation: Part 5

Transforming Meditation: Part 5

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On Saturday, the final day of Lydia’s four-day spiritual care plan leading up to the day of her brain tumor operation, I saw the Holy Spirit at work.

“Lydia, tell me about your other failures?” I asked

She replied, “My marriage, I stayed in my marriage too long.  I should have left when he started wearing my mother’s clothes and became violent…he was having an affair with another man.”  

This was new information for me and I assume for her daughter as well.  I responded, “That must have been very painful for you?”  

“Yes, I…”  This was followed by silence, but no outward emotion.  

The daughter left at this point and Lydia and I talked about the marriage and other possible failures but nothing of additional significance came up – the daughter returned.

I said to Lydia, “How do you feel now?”  

She responded, “OK,” but started backing her wheelchair away. 

“I’ve been pushing you pretty hard for the last few days, I am surprised that you are not angry with me?”  

Lydia said, “I shouldn’t be angry with you, you are trying to help me.”  

“Do you know that you are disconnecting from me?”  

“Yes, I am tired and just want to lay down. I wish the operation were over.”  

“We are almost done, can you stay with me five or ten more minutes?”  

“Yes,” moving her chair forward but with her head still down.

“Lydia, your daughter is going to be leaving tomorrow, the day before the operation.  How do you feel about that?”  

She responded, “I feel bad about keeping her here, but I am totally dependent on her.”  Cynthia, touching her arm said, “I have to leave, Mom.”  

Lydia, still not making eye contact, said, “I am weak and just don’t have the strength to go through this.” 

 I asked, “Where are you going to get the strength?”  

“I don’t know.”  

I suggested, “Let’s go to your reading.”  

Cynthia pulled the reading out.  “Lydia, can you read it?”

After a long pause, Lydia read, 

“You must lay aside your former way of life and the old self which deteriorates through illusion and desire and acquire a fresh spiritual way of thinking.  You must put on the new person created in God’s image, whose justice and holiness are born of truth.”  

“So Lydia,” I asked, “where are you going to get your strength?”  

After a long pause and more encouragement, she said, “God.”  

I then asked, “Do you want to say anything to your daughter?”

With the first visible sign of emotion, lifting her head and reaching out to Cynthia, she said, “You are very dear to me!”  

Cynthia hugged Lydia and said, “I love you, Mom!”  

We finished with a prayer for the mother, the upcoming operation, in thanksgiving for the daughter’s help and her safe trip home, and for healing for the father, Lydia’s own mother, and the family.  

Transforming Meditation: Part 4

Transforming Meditation: Part 4

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On Thursday, the second day of Lydia’s spiritual care plan, the point was made and accepted, at least intellectually, that Lydia’s mother, husband, and neighbors no longer had power over her.  When fear arose within her, she was to repeat the name of Jesus over and over.

On Friday, the focus was for Lydia to forgive unconditionally.  She must not ask anything of those she is forgiving and she was not to judge them. This is an act of love to forgive another, just as Jesus forgives us unconditionally and he died that we may be forgiven.  

We went through forgiveness for each of the people in her life to get rid of anger and fear.  Whenever anger rose within her, she was to repeat, 

“Father, forgive them, they do not (or did not) know what they do.”  For herself, she was to repeat, “Father, forgive me for I did not know what I was doing.”

The plan was to use Saturday as a follow-up day to observe if Lydia could reduce her fear, then the God within, Who is Love, could work in her.  It was hoped that she could trust and turn herself and her operation over to God’s will and purpose for her.  

The exchanges on Saturday, the fourth day, are the most revealing of the work of the Holy Spirit and follow as noted at the time.  The mother, daughter, and I met in the otherwise empty chapel for purposes of privacy and the spiritual atmosphere.

“Lydia, before we start, I want to mention a couple of things.  Your daughter is sitting with us, but if we get into some uncomfortable areas, she may want to leave or I may ask her to leave briefly, and then come back.  Secondly, I noticed several times when we have met, you start moving your wheelchair backward and disconnect with me.  It is like you are hanging up the phone.  What is that about?”

Lydia responded weakly with her head down, “Sometimes I get tired and just want to go lay down.” 

“Lydia, I know that this work is difficult.  We are on a spiritual journey but we also have to deal with the past – the anger and fear that has built up over the years.   When you start to disconnect from me, I will draw your attention to it?”  

She responded, “OK.”

“Tell me, how you are feeling, Lydia?”  

“Not well, I just want this tumor to go away, to be done with.  I need a miracle.  I don’t know what I will be like after the surgery.”  

I responded, “If God gave you a miracle today and took away the tumor, do you think the anger and fear would go away?”  

Taking responsibility for her anger for the first time in our meetings, Lydia said, “The anger is deep down inside, I need to deal with it.”

I then led the discussion, “Yes, and we talked about forgiveness and to get rid of some of the anger toward your mother, your husband, the neighbor who poisoned your dog, and yourself.  Do you remember your words of forgiveness, let’s say toward your mother?”  

Lydia took a long pause with her head down, then said, “Father, forgive her for she knew not what she was doing.”  A similar phrase was repeated to each of the others and herself.  

I said. “Yes, you did not know what you were doing when you swallowed the lies.  You are a child of God, a beautiful child of God made in his image.  You did not know what you were doing when you put yourself down, you gave up your power.”  Lydia, taking more responsibility, said, “I made some bad decisions.”  

I asked, “Tell me about those decisions.”

“When I decided to get my degrees, I never had any breakthroughs in my scientific work.”  

I asked, “What kind of breakthroughs, give me an example.”  

“DNA, I never discovered DNA.”  

Somewhat curious, I asked, “Did you expect to discover DNA?”  

“No, I was just a lab technician.”  

I then asked who did discover DNA and remarkably she told me the full names of the two men that discovered DNA.  

Back to the subject, I said, “Why was the fact that you didn’t discover DNA a failure?”  She responded, “Because I was living according to the world’s desires, the world’s standards.”  

A short discussion ensued about living to the world’s standards and God’s standards being different. 

Click these links to read Transforming Meditation: Part 1, Transforming Meditation: Part 2 and Transforming Meditation: Part 3

Transforming Meditation: Part 3

Transforming Meditation: Part 3

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On Wednesday, the first day of Lydia’s spiritual care plan, the effort was to separate the offender from the offense.  This is meant to forgive the offender, not the offense since only God can forgive the offense.  In other words, we can forgive the sinner but not the sin. It seemed important to point out that this approach did not mean we were condoning the offense if we forgive the offender.  

We can forgive one another – our brothers and sisters, our neighbors.  

This would be the first step for Lydia in taking back her power that she had given to those who she perceived to have abused her – her own mother, her husband, neighbors, and self.  There was a little perceived success that day except for the initial verbal commitment of Lydia to take the spiritual journey.  

However, in a brief separate meeting with Lydia the next day, I was able to ascertain that she had total recall of everything that was said on Wednesday.  Also, we did identify that the grandmother had physically abused Lydia’s mother.

The second day, Thursday, the focus was on conquering the fear of repeated transgressions.  Lydia had to come to the conclusion that the abusers no longer had power over her.  Otherwise, this fear would drive out any possibility of love entering or her loving those around her.  

On the other hand, what did she gain by not ridding herself of this fear?  It should also be noted that we did not focus on the fear of her brain tumor and the impending operation at this point.  We focused only on the abusers.

Lydia’s mother – Lydia’s fear and low self-esteem arising from her mother’s treatment that was always critical and abusive, and Lydia’s resultant fear that she was never good enough.

Lydia’s husband, who she had finally divorced some years earlier had been frequently violent and verbally abusive.  Fear that she would upset him gave him power over her.  But it was important to point out to her that she had given power over to him and she was still suffering, he wasn’t.

Lydia’s neighbors had sent threatening letters and had poisoned her dog.  The dog was extremely important because it seemed in Lydia’s mind that the dog was the only one who gave her unconditional love.

Other fears that Lydia expressed was the fear of being left alone and that she would wake up and find no one to care for her, a fear of insanity and a feeling of helplessness, too weak to cope and a fear that God had turned His face.

Click these links to read Transforming Meditation: Part 1, Transforming Meditation: Part 2 and Transforming Meditation: Part 4

Transforming Meditation: Part 2

Transforming Meditation: Part 2

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Before I had an opportunity to actually write down the four-day spiritual plan for Lydia, I met her daughter in a long, empty corridor joining two buildings at the nursing home. The daughter lived in the mountains of a Western state.  From earlier conversations, I knew that she held a sort of “new age” belief, neither affirming nor denying God, but choosing to find wonder and mystery in nature.  

I told her that, with the approval of my supervisor, yet to be obtained, I planned to continue to work with her mother over the next few days. I began to explain to her that my approach to her mother was based on the love that God has for each one of us a child of God.  If her mother could realize this, then she could also realize her self-worth. 

The daughter then told me that she no longer had any love for her mother, her mother had never been able to show any love for her, and she only was there because her mother had become dependent on her and she felt duty-bound. As she said this, her eyes filled with tears.  

I suggested that we just let God work in the situation and remain open to what God had in mind for herself and her mother. We agreed that she would meet with the mother and me daily. 

Next, I wrote out the spiritual care plan and shared it with my CPE Supervisor. He reviewed and agreed to the plan, making adjustments here and there. The spiritual care plan was designed to spend approximately an hour a day over the next four days with the mother and daughter. 

The plan was a spiritual journey leading up to the operation to assist the mother to overcome anger, fear, and lack of forgiveness in order to experience God’s love. A specific objective was the healing of the mother and the reconciling love of the mother and daughter. 

A scripture reading that I chose for the mother to stay with her throughout the journey was, “You must lay aside your former way of life and the old self, which deteriorates through illusion and desire, and acquire a fresh, spiritual way of thinking.” (Ephesians 4:22-23)  

This reading was selected on the premise that she first had to forgive herself for accepting the illusion that she was not worthy of God’s love and giving up her “power,” only then, could she forgive those who had abused her. Also, it was apparent in her current condition, Lydia was incapable of showing love or other emotion to anyone else.  

At an earlier meeting, I had suggested to the mother that she tell the daughter that she loved her. In the presence of the daughter, all the mother could say, after some prompting from me, was, “I appreciate you” and that without feeling or conviction.  Once Lydia agreed to take the spiritual journey to heal, we met each day for the next four days.  

Please click here to link to Transforming Meditation: Part 1, Transforming Meditation: Part 3, and Transforming Meditation: Part 4

Transforming Meditation: Part 1

Transforming Meditation: Part 1

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Whatever a person experiences in meditation, it is the repeated encounter with “self” in the meditative process that eventually leads to a “self-awareness” which is, at the same time, healing and transforming.  

The “turning within” leads to the encounter with the “true-self” stripped of all ideas or images of ourselves that we have developed and held over the years.  

The transformation of self is not unlike a second conversion experience at a deeper level of prayer and understanding.  I had many experiences in meditation wherein I encountered, struggled, and eventually overcame obstacles to spiritual growth.  I believe these experiences prepared me eventually to reach beyond myself to help others in their spiritual journey.

Case Study: Lydia 

The following is a case study, recorded at the time, when, after several other careers, I was in training for chaplaincy. In the nursing facility mentioned earlier, I encountered a 66-year old woman patient who, according to her daughter, had a history of depression and paranoia, but had not been previously been treated.  

Lydia, the mother, had recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor and had spoken of killing herself.  She had had a thorough psychiatric evaluation and was now medicated for depression.  She was facing an operation to remove a portion of a brain tumor and her self-image was so poor that she felt that she didn’t deserve to live.  

I learned from both her and the daughter, Cynthia, who lived out of town, that she came from an abusive childhood and, later, an abusive relationship with her former husband.  She was so weak and fearful that she could not raise her head while sitting in a wheelchair.  Her psychiatrist believed that would not survive the operation since she “no longer had a will to live.”

Lydia had been Presbyterian but had not practiced for many years and Cynthia had no formal religion.  Although the mother and daughter had spoken weekly by phone for a number of years, they had a tenuous relationship at best since the mother could never show any affection and the daughter felt duty-bound but “used” by the mother.  The daughter, recently married and resentful to be there, was in town for a two-week period leading up to the operation.

The mother had been relatively open with me about family history and the abuse that she had endured. I found her intelligent, articulate, and dependent on the daughter, but unable to function for herself.  

My intuition, experience, and very limited training told me that she was suffering from deep-seated anger, fear, inability to forgive, and loss of hope.  She was physically and spiritually depleted. I felt inadequate by training to address the myriad of psychological and spiritual problems facing the woman. 

Nevertheless, as I awoke in bed early in the morning and was meditating, as is a habit, it came to me in a moment of enlightenment what to do.  I was to prepare a spiritual care plan over four days leading up to the day of the operation.  

Please click here to link to Transforming Meditation: Part 2, Transforming Meditation: Part 3, and Transforming Meditation: Part 4

Prayer: Head to Heart

Prayer: Head to Heart

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At some point in my spiritual development, I can’t really recall when my prayer moved from my head to my heart.  It is somewhat remarkable for me, for I have always been in my head, analytical, and not given in readily to emotion.  

I expect that it has to do with meditation in drawing closer to God as God creates in us an increasing desire for God’s love.  But also, in my work with the mentally ill, I have observed that there is a darkness that frequently sits deep down inside – perhaps in the heart and soul – where anger, fear, anxiety, depression, unresolved grief, addiction, and other obstacles make it difficult to fully experience God’s love and God’s healing power.  

I do not necessarily see these obstacles as evil, rather as emotional and spiritual sickness that all of us may experience from time to time.  The problem occurs when we become “stuck” or even comfortable in our pain.  

One of the more interesting aspects of meditation is that over an extended period these illnesses are brought to the surface and into the “light” as it were.  There, we can begin the healing process through a variety of coping/healing skills.  

These skills may involve medicine, psychiatric or psychological counseling, group therapy, pastoral counseling, and various forms of prayer support as well.  I do see spiritual and emotional healing going hand in hand and, as often as not, emotional healing is inadequate without spiritual healing.  Modern medicine, especially psychiatric and psychology, can become deficient when the spiritual component is neglected.

Prayer that emanates from the heart is a much deeper, non-ritualistic form of prayer than that from the head.  It requires one to submit the will (and thought) to God, without a focus on the outcome of the prayer, even though it may be in the form of a prayer request.  It requires the person praying to open their mind and the heart to whatever comes in response or no immediate response at all.

There is a distinct feeling in prayer that emanates from the heart that lifts the spirit and includes self as well as those being prayed for in a sort of all-embracing love. 

Perhaps, it is why Paul The Apostle refers to as love and charity as being the greatest gift of the Holy Spirit.

Meditation Through Images

Meditation Through Images

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The widely popular spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius are focused on scriptural images.  (Spiritual Exercises).  Although I haven’t practiced the spiritual exercises in many years, I had some early experiences while attending retreats at a Jesuit retreat house, the White House, near St. Louis, MO.  

Under the guidance of the retreat master, I was able to experience my own death in front of a statue of Saint Joseph on the grounds.  At once, I was able to comprehend the “fear” of death, to “see” a vision of my own death, and to pass beyond into a peaceful state that was ‘filled up’ with the grace of God.  

Since that time, I have lost all fear of death and have been able to attend to others in the dying process in a hopeful and prayerful way.  Recently, an acquaintance recounted a similar experience at the White House.

Another time at the same retreat house, I was walking and praying the fourteen “Stations of the Cross” on a hillside overlooking the Mississippi River and suddenly experienced Jesus walking beside me after the fourth or fifth station.  He continued with me throughout the remainder of the stations.  

I recall now, many years later, an enlightenment of the suffering that he went through but not in a sorrowful way.  His presence was full of light and hope and peace that kept me in a state of awe for days afterward.  Even today, the “reality” of having Jesus walking beside me has not diminished.

The use of images can be most helpful especially in the early stages of meditation.  Meditation usually seems to start as an intellectual exercise.  It requires a discipline of mind that can be aided by the use of images or mantra.  

For example, a mantra, such as the name of “Jesus,” can avoid distraction or bring someone back in focus after having been distracted.  In the same way, one can “lose” oneself in an image, first as an observer and, then, as a participant. 

For almost a year, I meditated on the “Christo de Limpias” or “Christ of Tears” – a bust of Christ wearing the crown of thorns.  At first, I simply observed the image in order to concentrate my meditation and to avoid distractions. After several months, a vision occurred and I found myself on the cross, wearing the crown of thorns and entering into the suffering of Christ.  

This vision recurred daily for an extended period of time.  During this period, an awesome wonder and ecstasy took over that made me grateful to be there.  Similarly, in recent years, I have frequently experienced pain in the palms of both hands while meditating which serve to remind me of the wounds of Christ.  

In my experience, in both the uses of mantra and images, what starts as an intellectual discipline becomes a deep-felt prayer as one becomes more and more absorbed in the object of meditation.

Reflection and Meditation Through Groups: Part 2

Reflection and Meditation Through Groups: Part 2

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Meditation and reflection on scripture have been powerful tools for me as a chaplain working with groups of people in various healthcare and residential facilities and hospitals. 

In order to measure progress within the group, I developed an assessment tool that measured ten factors of participation, relationship building, and spirituality on a scale of one to ten for each factor.  

The research and writings on the aging by Richard P. Johnson, Ph.D., especially in the book 12 Keys to Spiritual Vitality were most helpful in developing an assessment tool and providing material for the groups.  An initial assessment of the group showed an overall score of 49 on a scale of 100 and, ultimately, a final score of 74, a 25 point, or 50% relative improvement overall in the factors measured.  

For example, four of the group members moved from isolation to meaningful relationships, five of the group dealt openly with long-term faith and spirituality issues, two of the members dealt with deep-seated grief issues and several took on a ministerial role toward others from their own experience relating to the issues being dealt with. 

Two members of the group died during this period and the group was able to deal with the grief and loss in a positive, even celebratory way.  Most interesting, however, were the individual stories that were shared by the participants and the ongoing relationships that the sharing fostered.  

The format of this group and other groups that I have formed has used meditation, silent prayer, reflection and sharing of scripture, and prayers of thanksgiving and petition.  

It is interesting to note and worthy of more research that common prayers and music, such as the “The Lord’s Prayer” and “Amazing Grace,” can often be said or sung in entirety by those persons that are otherwise non-responsive, aphasic, or with dementia.

Reflection and Meditation Through Groups: Part I

Reflection and Meditation Through Groups: Part I

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There are many paths to spiritual growth through various forms of prayer and community.  Similarly, there are multiple paths to a deeper spirituality through meditation.  

Meditation and reflection on scripture (e.g., Lectio Divina) is one of the earliest forms of meditation practiced in the early church and has had a resurgence in recent years through the movement named “Centering Prayer.”  This meditation can be practiced individually or in a group.  

For example, I have used a modified form of Lectio Divina in scripture prayer groups in a nursing home, the rehabilitation unit of a hospital, and more recently, in Behavioral Medicine units of several hospitals where I practice as a chaplain. The results have been remarkable as residents and patients are able to release their emotions and share their spiritual journeys with other patients.  

Initially, I decided to form a group to satisfy a research requirement for the clinical pastoral care (CPE) training that I was undergoing at a high quality, continuous care nursing home complex.  

I began with two groups, one in the assisted living facility (essentially apartment living with on-site nursing care available) and the other in a mid-level care facility where most residents were not ambulatory and required around the clock nursing care.  

In the second group, there were fifteen people with multiple health issues that will be focused on here.  The group met weekly for twenty-one weeks.  Four persons had dementia (two of these with diagnosed Alzheimer disease), five were stroke victims, four with clinical depression, six with osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, one with cancer, one with psychosis/anxiety, seven with hypertension, five with heart disease and one with neuropathy.

The need for such a group was based on my observations that residents often felt abandoned or dislocated from home, family, and friends and were isolated even though spending most of the day in common areas.  They frequently were unable to communicate or unwilling to communicate.  

A complaint often expressed by the residents was that they were being treated like children.  For example, when a resident was sick enough to be removed from their room to the hospital or died, the other residents, even the roommate, were often not told what happened.  

So, instead of receiving affirmation of their importance and relevance as human beings and given the opportunity to grieve, the remaining residents were left to look at an empty bed or room and wonder.  Although there were planned activities, the community support structure was limited and many of the residents were “stuck” emotionally and/or spiritually.